fear

Once they had decided that they wanted it. Once they had set their minds to it, I knew that there was very little that I could do about it to persuade them, to stop them. Even the powerless are kings in this lawless world, a man with no property but his hands could kill an angel or a child a like. There is no redemption in this world. Hobbs always seemed conservative to me.
I think that I witnessed a robbery today. Grand theft auto, I was fairly sure that the man two doors down to the right had some friends that had stolen a car this afternoon. “Yo, nigga hurry up. You gottta screwdriver, I gotta be changing these here plates. Come on nigga you too slow. Oh it’s like dat huh? That’s how it is? It’s like that then, huh? Ya nigga you know it, now get yo mothafuckin ass out here and let’s do dis thing.” Apparently, my nice, quiet, mild manner neighbor has a cousin who is the opposite of him in every way, mean, loud and hostile.
I was a little coward. I sat there with my heart beating very nearly right out of my chest. It hurt. I was only thinking about myself. Sure, maybe I was wrong, but I doubt it. They were very suspicious. I was outside smoking a cigarette and drinking a cup of coffee when they rolled in making noise like the insane rave. I went inside, trying to get a glimpse of them without being seen by them. My neighbor didn’t seem to approve but in the end they all three drove off. I went inside and stared out the cracks in the window shades. I tried to occupy myself with tasks, wash the dishes, but I couldn’t do it. I decided there that I wasn’t much of a man and was a hypocrite, but not about my fear, only about ideals from my adolescence.
I think that I am fading right out of my skin, flesh.
Now, I know that this may seem like some kind of white boy scare, having just moved into a questionable neighborhood he calls the police and his mom as soon as he can. But that is not it, is it? Not for me at least. Not only have I lived most of my life in neighborhoods just like this one and others far worse, but guys just like this loud idiot were my only friends growing up. And me, who was most of the time exactly like my quiet neighbor, unless of course, I was leading the trouble ( trouble that gave me the nickname maniac growing up ) I felt like I had a duty to my neighbor to keep my mouth shut. It may be strange to people who don't know anyone like the cousin I described, and sadly, I have to admit that a lot of my co-workers and colleagues have never even met someone like this, their own socio-economic status distancing them by miles and dozens of jobs, for which this cousin probably has been told since childhood that he was disqualified at birth. That is the fear that shook me, and that this repulsion that fills my skin. I can't just walk down the street and say, 'hey man, I understand what's up,' and I can't call the police. It's confusing and the struggle makes it clear why we have the problems we do today, yet. How's that for simplification?